What did you do today?

I talked to a bunch of sex workers in the slums who had been abandoned by their babies' fathers and didn't know of any organizations that could help them (and until we got super upset, the organization we were with wasn't planning on leaving them with any information). This included a woman whose husband had died 3 weeks ago and was already doing sex work to feed her 2 teenage children who didn't know how she got the money.

Then, I was given good luck from a spirit speaking through a witch doctor, whose medical herbs I'm pretty sure contained some illegal substances. And finallly, I helped distribute about 150 pounds of condoms. Definitely the most intense/ bizarre day since the prison in Rwanda.

Yesterday I spent all day walking around a different slum talking to victims of domestic abuse, most of whom had been counciled by the Slum Aid Project (the organization we were with) to stay with their husbands because they had no real hope of economic independence.

Side note: also yesterday when I got home my 22-year-old host brother, Jack, was hanging around the house. I then found out that despite having just made a family tree for school (with info from my host parents), he was only actually my half brother. Turns out, of the 8 siblings, 2 are adopted from an uncle who died, and 2 are from 2 separate mothers before my host dad met my host mom. Random...

I also decided for the millionth time in my life that having money sucks. It doesn't suck as much as not having money. However, the responsibility of meeting so many people I could help individually but not being able to help all of them is utterly overwhelming. Also, knowing that the first (and sometimes only) things people see when they look at you are money and visas depressing. It makes it impossible to ever trust that someone is not just talking to you because they expect something from you, which makes it pretty much impossible to really just make a human connection.

And its definitely not something I have blown out of proportion in my mind. This was what my host dad and I discussed at dinner tonight, and not only did he confirm my frustrations, but he added that people in this community keep asking him to let them speak to the muzungu in hopes that I will give them money.

This is the first time in my life where I've ever really felt like a complete outsider because of my race. It's definitely an experience I need to have, but at the moment that isn't much consolation.
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Luganda ease and grilled cheese

This is gonna be pretty short because I am exhaaaaausted but I am getting pretty behind in my blogging and if I don't start catching up, I will never find time to write a long update on everything.

Last thursday, friday, and saturday were pretty boring. Why? Because on saturday we had our ACTFL test in Luganda, and spent the entire 2 days before that cramming. Theoretically, in 3 weeks I learned about 150 words and 5 tenses in a language that is spoken in approximately 15 square miles of the entire earth. I would put the actual stats slightly lower, but I do know enough to barely get by/ win people over because at least I am trying.

Sunday, my biggest accomplishment was finally making grilled cheese for my family. I want to make sure they like cheese before I go to the trouble of making a whole meal. There had a been a lot of confusion over the past few days, as my family is not really familiar with the concept of sandwiches or food that cannot be an entire meal. I ended up describing it as an alternative to a roll when taking tea. I taught my host mom how to make one using the chapatti pan over coals and she loved it. Then she took over and made the rest-- side note: women here are very protective over their kitchen as their domain, mostly because they have so little power everywhere else-- anyways, I bought real butter. (as opposed to Blue Band fat spread that does not need refrigeration) for this endeavor, and used a slightly above average amount on the first one because I wanted to make sure they would like it, so on the rest my mom ending up using a ridiculous amount of butter. Anyways, 5 sandwiches, 10 slices of cheese, and a stick and a half of butter later we had some pretty awesome grilled cheese. It was a nice little bonding thing.

Oh, and also yesterday was my dad's birthday (happy birthday dad!! MLL) and so I put my host dad on the phone with him for a while, which my host dad got a huge kick out of. Pretty much any of my friends are invited to come visit and stay with them, by the way. Also, if I decide to stay here they will give me a little land on which to build a house upcountry. So tempting:-) maybe I just won't come home... I really am starting to really find my stride here and feel more and more connected with Uganda every day.
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One month down...

So I have officially been here for over a month. This time 31 days ago I was sitting in a large awkward circle of people all trying to make good first impressions.

While I by no means fit in even a little bit, I think I am starting to find my stride. I've gotten over being embarrassed to ask random strangers how to get to a location I can't pronounce, and I was assertive enough and spoke Luganda well enough on the taxi a few days ago that the conductor asked me whether I knew Luganda. I've even gained enough confidence in the kitchen that I bought grilled cheese ingredients to make as a tea time (evening tea. There are 2 tea times a day) snack tomorrow.

While I was prepared for this semester to throw my world view for a huge loop, actually having it happen is impossible to prepare for. I have started to feel connected to the people and culture here in a way I didn't expect, there's something about fighting to pile into the same taxis, slipping down the same muddy hill, bargaining with the same fruit sellers in the market, and being coated in countless layers of rich, red dust at the end of the day that makes me feel a sense of acceptance and belonging. Obviously I stand out a lot, but there is something to be said about not doing the typical "muzungu" thing and traveling in special hire taxis and eating in overpriced restaurants that automatically gains me respect from most of the people around me. I've developed a sense of when to stand my ground and when to just let things be, despite disagreeing with them. Of course, I get at least one curve ball thrown at me every day and, while I like to think I've gotten better at rolling with the punches (can I use those 2 sayings in one sentence?), I've learned to accept and even laugh at the fact that no matter how hard I try, it is impossible to always keep my composure.

Ugandans, as a culture, have been incredibly accepting. I actually think Americans have a lot to learn from them. While parts of Ugandan culture are definitely oppressive and stuck in tradition, I have yet to meet a person who is at all distant and serious. The concept of a stranger is just different here. Everybody smiles and jokes with each other even if they are just passing by each other. I don't think I am doing a good job explaining this at all, so I will just leave it at Uganda is a family.

A thought that I've been mulling over in my mind since I've been here is the idea of "developed" and "developing" countries. I won't elaborate on this too much, but the Ugandan lifestyle is much more sustainable than the American lifestyle. The creative frugality, non-consumerist culture, and sense of community responsibility of Ugandans often seem far superior to the flashy, competitive world view of Americans. It definitely makes me think about how I define development.

This is not to say that I plan on coming home and self-righteously scorn hot showers, trips to the mall, or splurging a little to go out to dinner with friends. Rather, as of now what I really would like to bring home with me is the ability to be able to just sit, doing nothing, and just enjoy being. I like where my life is headed and I don't feel a need to slow down. I would just like to get better at more often finding quiet and contentment in the eye of the storm.

My mom sometimes laments that she raised such a city girl who doesn't appreciate nature as much as she should. And it's kind of true. Despite my experiences here, I would still agree that dirt and bugs aren't really my thing. Lately though, I have found that I have more of a connection to nature than I (and maybe mom, but since she's reading this I won't speak for her:-)) expected once I get past the dirt and bugs. I really thought that the hardest thing for me would be constantly feeling dirty and not as generally put together as I like to think I usually am. Surprisingly, the "roughing it" aspect of this program has not been something I've noticed much. If anything I've just started to channel my 5-year-old self that didn't pay any attention to tangled hair and grass stained pants. One of my biggest frustrations right now is that I am pretty much never allowed to take off my shoes because of the wonderful little worms in the ground that like to burrow up through the bottoms of your feet.

Truly though, I am not totally roughing it (which is relative anyway since most of the world lives like this). At least I have a bed, most of the time electricity, and sometimes even a toilet. Michelle, my roommate studying with SIT in Tanzania, put this all into perspective when she texted me the other day that she was currently in a tent on a safari with wild animals all around. And even she has a cell phone. That is one of the weirdest parts about this. Even though I am living in the middle of Africa without running water, I can check the news, do a google search, type and post this blog, text with friends in Tanzania, Morocco, France, and St. Louis, and check and respond to email all from my bed thanks to the invention of the blackberry world edition.

Anyways, since I am clearly not far enough outside my comfort zone, my new (and hopefully permanent) proposal for my 6 week research/ practicum is something along the lines of emotional sadism. The plan, as it stands, is to work with women (and sadly also teenagers) in northern conflict areas who were raped, or kidnapped and then raped by rebel soldiers and now, as a result, are pregnant or have children. I want to study their reintegration into society, despite huge stigmas and isolation from the community and their families. Not exactly sure of the research question yet, but I think it should form pretty easily once I do a little more research...

I feel like my posts lately have been pretty serious. I actually am having a good time and have some pretty funny stories so I will make an attempt to be conscious of including these as well as the serious stuff, because the fun stuff is impacting my experience here as well. Here's to a fantastic 2nd month!

And with that, I am signing off for today. And that's the way it is
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Abeka (family)

So this week and next week we split up into groups of 6-7 students to focus on a certain topic. For obvious reasons, I am in the gender and development concentration. It's been super frustrating for the past few days because we've been having lectures at the university and the teaching style is soooo different here than in the US. It really puts all of my complaining about american teaching practices into perspective.

First of all, it feels like they think we are 13 years old. I am not entirely sure whether they think we are all just really uniformed, whether this is how they teach all of their students, or whether this is really the level they think at. For the sake of uganda, I really hope it's the former... We spent literally 20 minutes yesterday defining human rights. Even when we move past basic definitions, most of what we are taught are large generalizations and concepts with no case studies. Even the other students in my group who do not have any background in gender studies are learning very little.

Also, the teaching style itself leaves pretty much no room at all for critical analysis. Lectures consist of a professor standing in front of us, reading off of a powerpoint. When we ask questions of clarification they either repeat what they just said or say they will cover it later in the presentation and never do.

They do, however, bring us tea and snacks every day, which I'm not sure they do for all students, but most definitely do not do in the US. Wash U, if you're looking for something to really make the school stand out, I highly suggest imposing a university-wide tea time at 11am every day.

Hopefully next week will be better though. We are doing a bunch of site visits instead of going to the university. We never really know what we are doing though ahead of time so instead of speculating, I'll just write about it next week.

After having a really long conversation with my host dad last night, I have basically decided that my research plans for the second half of the semester are not going to work at all. I was thinking that psychological empowerment of married women could be done simultaneously as they gained economic independence. It turns out though that economic independence needs to happen before women are even going to be willing to discuss going against culture norms. It makes sense, but is kinda a bummer. And as much as I realize the necessity of working to help them gain independence, I have very little interest in working with economic stuff. Its just not my thing. Oh well. Back to the drawing board... I still have 10 days to come up with a final written proposal... Very few other students have a real plan yet either so that makes me feel better.

These chats have kind of become a nightly thing with my host dad and I've really been enjoying it. Tonight's topic was loosely centered around the family and we talked a lot about how inclusionary (is that even a word?) the ugandan family is. It's kind of a mixed bag in that there are so many orphans here (mostly from war and AIDS) and extended families often take them in. On the other hand, in these families the orphan children are often treated like second-class family members (we did not actually discuss this side.) I find it very interesting that familial bonds and traditional family structures (read: heterosexual) are so important, yet polygamy is widely practiced and the average birth rate is over 7 children per woman, so most people have upwards of 20 siblings. Talk about a fun family reunion! But seriously, how can you even keep up with that many people? A man could end up having like hundreds of grandchildren.

The topic actually came up because we were talking about how odd it is that right now I have 2 families who are so separate. Not talking about my mom and dad's sides (though explaining the logistics behind THAT was kind of amusing for me), but my family in the US and my family here. I really am feeling like a part of this family, which is pretty cool. I have a routine down and have mostly figured out how stuff is done here and how I can contribute. Even my little brother seems completely used to me being around. When we go out, they always introduce me as their daughter (which people get a huge kick out of) and yesterday my host mom took me to her tailor and helped negotiate getting a dress made for me like I think she probably has done with her other daughters. I showed them pictures from the US of my friends and family last night, which I think helped them feel closer to my other life. They say that one of the biggest cultural differences they have is that they are surprised my parents don't want to talk to them more to bring my 2 families closer. It hadn't even occurred to me, so that will most definitely be happening soon, so more on that later.

Tomorrow I will have officially been here for a month. Today after classes, me and 5 other students went to one of the bars to celebrate and reflect. In some ways I feel like I just got here, but in many ways it feels like it's been way longer than a month. I'm really surprised at how I've adjusted. Some things were much harder to deal with than I expected, and others that I had braced myself to have a really hard time with turned out to be not a big deal at all. More reflection tomorrow. For now, some much needed sleep.
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Audience participation!

So I've decided to cook an "american" meal for my host family. They mentioned that most previous students have made pasta with some sauce, so I don't want to do that. Here is the situation:

I have one pot of coals on which to put a pot or pan (but can heat one thing and put it to the side while I heat something else), some cooking spoons, knives, and a rolling pin.

While I can probably find some other things in an american grocery store, the foods that are sold everywhere (ie should make up most of my meal) are potatoes, rice, flour, millet, spaghetti, bananas, green plantains (does that mean they are not ripe? We make matoke out of them), beans, peas, peanuts, tomatoes, carrots, avocados, onions, milk, eggs, bread, all tropical fruits, yogurt, cheese (not common but I know where I can get some), fat (I think this is actually margarine, but that is what they call it), chili powder, and lots and lots of sunflower seed oil.

I am definitely going to make guacamole because the avocados here are the best, biggest, AND cheapest I've ever had.

I would like to make something with cheese (I know a store that has some), as it came out tonight that my host mom doesn't even know what cheese is, and my host dad has only had it like twice in his life. I'm worried about having anything that has cheese though (eg mac and cheese) because I don't know if cheese is something that everyone likes if they didn't grow up with it... Also, if you've never had cheese for like 45 years can you digest it? They do have milk, yogurt, and ice cream... Thoughts?

Ooh. And also, after a brief stint as an omnivore, I reverted back to my vegetarian ways. Lemme tell ya, there's nothing quite like seeing live chickens in cages at the market, giant slabs of raw meet hanging on hooks at the butchers kiosk, and baby goats wandering around your yard to make you swear off meat forever. And that's not even why I was a vegetarian in the first place!

I'm not such a pro at the cooking thing, so any help would be greatly appreciated. When I told my host dad that I didn't know how to cook very well, he just looked at me kind of confused and asked "but how will you be able to feed your husband?" I had a tough time deciding whether it would be more socially acceptable to say that I planned on my husband doing as much cooking as me or to explain the idea of takeout... Haha

Anyone who contributes gets a giant hug from me when I get back (you'll probably get one anyways even if you don't contribute, but humor me.) Anyways, thanks in advance for the advice!!
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Happier things

On Thursday evening we left Rwanda. You have to walk from one side to another, and there's this awkward middle place in between where it is not clear that the land belongs to any country. So I decided that since most people straddle borders to be 2 places at once, my time in between borders I was in 0 places at once, and therefore actually managed to disappear for about 2 minutes:-)

Friday morning we woke up and went to this place that is kind of like a nature center. They grow plants for traditional medicine and teach children and adults how to most efficiently grow and maintain these plants. Someone asked which medicines they sold the most of, and they replied that by far it was their medicine for "male performance enhancement." I will not comment on that...

The place also had a small school for AIDS orphans and a place where AIDS widows could learn to sew and have access to a sewing machine in order to male a living. They had deals with many schools in the region to provide their uniforms.

In the afternoon, we went on a boat safari, which was AMAZING. We saw water buffalo, hippos, crocodiles, baboons, and about 15 elephants. All from about 10 feet away. I got some great pictures too, though I have now given up on posting them until I get back in May. I also met this man on the boat who had the most gorgeous camera lenses I may have ever seen. It turns out he works 11 months a year (not anything to do with photography) and then travels for a month. He's been pretty much everywhere in the world. Sooooo jealous.

Saturday morning we were supposed to go on a safari in Queen Elizabeth National Park at 5am. We woke up and piled onto our buses. In the distance, we could see a large light, which we soon decided was a fire. Sure enough, we were headed straight for it. As we turned down the road that was the entrance to the park, there was a line of fire on the road ahead of us stretching from the road to as far as we could see to the east. The 2 vans in front of us kept going down the road, despite having to pass fire reaching to the side of the road. I, however, was in the van with the 2 students from California, who had slightly different attitudes towards wildfires in dry brush than local Ugandans did. After a lot of yelling and confusion, we decided to head back and skip out on the safari, as we did not know how controlled the fire was. I couldn't decide whether or not I was really comfortable continuing or not, as the biggest fire I'd ever seen prior to that was something I roasted marshmallows over. However, there were a few people who were clearly not comfortable with the situation and I am of the opinion that as soon as somebody is not ok with a situation, you get out right then and there regardless of any other factors. We missed out on seeing a small group of lions, which I am a little disappointed about, but not really enough to dwell on at all. During our independent time (the last 6 weeks of the semester) I may decide to go on another safari anyways up north where there are also leopards and giraffes and I can go on an ATV instead of a tour bus.

After our "safari" we had a 9-10 hour bus ride ahead of us. We've all pretty much gotten to be pros at passing time on the bus because nothing in Uganda is close together. We probably averaged about 4 hours per day throughout the week. Thanks to my 80 gig iPod (thanks grandma and grandpa. Fantastic high school graduation present) I brought a bunch of movies with me and watched like 4 movies this week. I've also played a ridiculous number of word games and have developed a really quite extraordinary talent at finding secluded places on the side of the road to "check the tires"-- not that it's exactly polite in the US, but ever mentioning that you have to use the restroom in Uganda is a serious social faux pas.

We got back too late for me to go back to my home stay (it's not so safe to ever walk alone in the dark here, especially if you are a young, american girl with a huge camping backpack) so I stayed at Hotel Jeliza (the place we were for the first week) with a few other people and worked on our Luganda homework for hours until we all fell asleep. I may have mentioned this before, but hotel rooms split 4 ways here come to $8 each, so you can stay in a hotel, eat dinner at a restaurant, and go out to a club for less than $20 for the whole night. Not bad! Not that we really have much time for that anyways, but still...

Did my first big homework assignment today, and ever since have been hanging out at home alternating between watching Asian soap operas dubbed into English, a documentary about Australian billabongs, and Christian gospel music videos... Don't even get me started on how random the stuff they have on TV here is. They have Care Bears, Greys Anatomy, and America's Got Talent as well...

Also, I have been trusted to be left at home alone for the first time ever, which is a pretty big accomplishment in my book. My host dad is at a funeral (still working on the socially correct way to ask for whom) and my host mom had to go to the store, so it's me and Jerry. While Jerry naps I'm just sitting here shelling an egg, taking tea (I've become an avid tea drinker), typing this, and thinking about how much I missed this place during the past week. I really do just feel so comfortable and peaceful here.

On my way home, some guy approached me and said he had ridden the taxi with me a few times in the morning. Then, after a brief conversation about what I was doing living in an average suburban village, he asked me if I could be his reference to get a visa. This isn't the first time it has happened to me but it still shakes me up a little bit every time. I guess it beats being asked to marry someone though?

One of the girls on my program has a host sister who works in the city as a hairdresser specifically for people with muzungu (ie me) hair. She does weaves, extensions, braiding, and some other things that are traditionally done with African hair. The girl asked me today if I wanted to go with her next weekend to get our hair done with extensions into braids. Not like 2 braids, but tiny braids all over our whole head. Apparently the extensions help the braids stay in place and make it so that you basically never have to wash your hair. It stays un-frizzy and looking nice for about 2 months. I am still pretty emotionally scarred from a Mexican resort corn rowing "incident" in middle school. Yet, I am seriously considering just getting this done and wearing a wrap/scarf on my head for the next 2 months, as many people here do anyways. I have a week to think about this so if you have any strong feelings about it either way, let me know:-)
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The land of 1000 hills

Wednesday and Thursday were spent in Rwanda, which is beautiful. To my surprise, it is much nicer than Uganda. This actually makes sense though due to the influx of foreign aid and focus on development that the country has experienced since the genocide in 1994.

If you don't know what the genocide was (as many of you were 5 years old in 1994) it's pretty important to at least know a little about, so google/wiki it. The main idea though is that the Tutsis (wealthy minority) oppressed the Hutus (majority) during colonial times. Then when the country gained independence and the Hutus took control, there was animosity towards the Tutsis which climaxed in 1994 when the government organized a mass killing of the Tutsis by the majority of the Hutu population. Over 1 million Tutsis were brutally murdered, often by their neighbors and colleagues. This is not a hard fact, but one speaker guessed that around 90% of the Hutu population was somehow involved in perpetrating the genocide.

The real purpose of our trip was to look at reconciliation between the Tutsis and the Hutus, but most of what we did was more towards the historical side. On the first day, we went to the genocide museum, which was incredibly intense. It is fairly small, but much more graphic than anything would be in the US without about 50 warning/ disclaimer signs outside the museum. I won't go into the details, but there were countless stories about torturing and brutal murders by bludgeoning, machetes, being buried alive, among others.

Then, we went to the prison where many genocide prisoners are held. They've almost finished holding all of the trials, and since over 120k people were tried, the only ones that actually have remained in prison (instead of being sentenced to community service) are the ones who had a crucial part in organizing the genocide. We thought we were going to end up just talking to a few of the prisoners about their stories. What happened was a little bit more... Bizarre? We entered the prison and were led some way down to a building. As we filed in, we entered a large room filled with about 300 prisoners and 32 empty chairs for us on a stage at the front of the room. After we were introduced, a few men came up to give their testimonies, which were basically just short speeches about how now they thought everybody was equal and that we should go home and tell everybody that they are not bad people. One of them invited us to stay with them until the evening- an offer which we politely declined. Then, the prison traditional dance troupe came in and performed. At the end they pulled us up to join them. Soon a few of the other prisoners joined in and I found myself dancing with one of the men who minutes before had told us he had a high government position in organizing the genocide. I had a pretty strong moral dilemma in whether to insult the people who had clearly gone to a lot of trouble to organize this event or to dance and act friendly towards a person who was personally responsible for the brutal murder of probably thousands of innocent people. I decided to avoid insulting anyone and just take the situation as a learning experience while insulting the man in my head.

After the show, we went to a smaller room and spoke with the Tutsi prison director who (like almost all of the other people we spoke to) denied any current conflict or animosity between the Tutsis or Hutus. I'm no expert, and it really isn't even my place to say, but I just don't buy that. What I buy is that so many people committed crimes, and much of it was through propaganda and mob mentality, that it is overwhelming and impossible to get adequate retribution for everybody as if each murder was an isolated incident. People's experiences are so horrible that 16 years later they just want to move on. Not forget about it, but put it in the past. I also just don't buy that if these men truly understood and regretted that they had done they would not have such an easy time living with themselves. Not saying they should die, but that they should never be in a place where they can coolly stand up in front of hundreds of people and pretend like everything is now ok because they have apologized.

On the opposite side of the spectrum from moving on, on the second day we visited two churches that are among the main genocide memorials. In the first church, around 5000 people were surrounded and attacked as they sought shelter. From that attack, something like 10 people survived. The church has been preserved in a similar condition to the way it was after the attack. There are clothes, pots, books, etc on the pews, the doors are hanging off their hinges, and there is still a blood stain on the wall of the sunday school from a child being thrown against it. Then, along one of the walls of the main hall are shelves and shelves of skulls and other bones that were collected from around the compound.

In the second church, where 10000 people died in one day, the main hall again had the clothes and other personal items. Then, a sunken in area had a few shelves of bones, but not nearly as many as the first church. As I ventured outside I discovered why. I went down a staircase into the ground behind the church and found myself in a series of hallways flanked on each side by coffins stacked from floor the ceiling: the mass graves. They were incredibly creepy and I honestly couldn't get myself to even step down off the bottom step of the staircase. In addition to the 10000 people buried there that died in the church, there were 40000 that had been murdered in the surrounding area.

So maybe this description makes it clearer why I am so angry at the perpetrators of the genocide, despite their apologies and public forgiveness.

Before I conclude though, I want to give a quick nod to Clive Owen, who we ran into twice, who has helped fund the preservation of the genocide memorial sites.

Outside of both of the churches is a banner that changes occasionally and currently (in the local language) says something that roughly translates to "if you had known yourself and known me, you would not have killed me."

Ya know. That's a good point to end on. Much happier things in the next post.
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